Alcohol Reviews

I’m kinda torn on this one. I mean, on one hand, I love rye whisky, and this stuff is heavy on the rye. But on the other hand, as an adult, hetero, American male, I fuckin’ hate all things Canadian, with three obvious universal exceptions being Gordon Lightfoot, poutine, and the original run of Trailer Park Boys. If my xenophobia allowed it, I might add a fourth exception for Lot No. 40. It’s slightly peppery, kinda sweet, but it’s smooth and balanced while being not at all boring. I was tempted to order it on rocks, but I’m glad I got it neat. I got another, and then another. I might actually swing by the BevMo after work today and pick up a bottle for my home collection. Why not, right? I mean, I have several bottles of Scotch, I can’t stand the taste of peat moss, and Scottish men are known to wear plaid skirts and have a reputation for questionable behavior with sheep. Don’t let your own racism against the hockey hosers keep you from enjoying Lot No. 40. Try it once and you’ll realize I fuckin' atodaso. Don’t be funny by trying to pair it with a slice of Hawaiian pizza.

I hate vodka. Everyone who knows me knows this. But this vanilla and habanero pepper flavored vodka doesn’t quite go down like vodka. It’s a shooter, for sure, but you could probably find a use for it in a fruity cocktail. The standout flavor is the vanilla, as I had to really search for the habanero pepper notes, which was strange considering the brand name. Since I don’t drink vodka, I don’t recall how this bottle even made it into my collection, but I’m not mad it’s there. I probably won’t ever have a hankering for the stuff, but it seems like something that might pair well with a slice of mango key lime cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory.

Feel free to judge this whiskey by its label. For an Irish whiskey, it’s not as smooth as I’d expect. But what it lacks in smoothness, it apparently makes up for with an extra chromosome. To be fair, it has won a whole bunch of awards, so maybe I’m the retarded one here. The aroma is reminiscent of that perfume they brought up from the Titanic wreckage, and the taste is what I’d expect from licking that big, rusty chunk of hull at the Titanic Exhibit. Luckily, That Boutique-y Whisky Company prides itself on producing in small batches, so you might not come across a bottle of this horse piss anywhere. It’s certainly not finding a place in my collection. Pair it with an old shop rag to make a fabulous Molotov cocktail.

Great, more celebrity-affiliated bullshit. I’ve only had alcohol poisoning three times in my entire life, and each time was because of vodka. I’m now ultra-sensitive to even the smell of vodka, so it’s a good thing this brand, founded by the second-hardest-partying Blues Brother, is extremely smooth and mild in both aroma and taste. It’s vodka. If you like vodka, you’ll like Crystal Head. If you’re indifferent about vodka, mix it with orange juice or Red Bull. Or just don’t drink it at all. But either way, it’s a bit pricey for vodka, especially since it’s imported from that frozen communist wasteland up north. Probably pairs well with poutine or a Tim Hortons Farmer’s Wrap.

This one doesn’t have an overpoweringly strong flavor, but I take it over a big ice cube, anyway. For some reason, the ice brings out the smoke flavor. One of the things WhistlePig is known for is its quirky mashups with seemingly unrelated brands. Smokestack is aged in American Oak barrels charred by Traeger and proofed with water that is slow-smoked with Traeger Apple Wood pellets. WhistlePig Smokestack pairs well with something slathered in a good BBQ sauce, like Stubb’s. But not Sweet Baby Ray’s. That stuff’s just fermented ketchup mixed with bullshit.